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Dear Geeks: You Are Hilarious And These Amazon Product Reviews Prove It

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20 April 2014, 8:30 am by: Julie Bort

Remember 2007? That was before cloud computing became a thing and Microsoft was convinced that every home would have a big computer holding all of our movies, photos and songs.

Mommy Server bookMicrosoft even published a children's book on the topic:  "Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?"  about – we kid you not — a "stay-at home" computer server.

The book is funny but its reviews are even funnier. For instance, Amazon reviewer Boomzilla wrote:

My kids loved this book so much that they insisted that I buy them others in the same series including "Rover the dog says "SYN/ACK!", "How to be the Best at Firewall Configuration (The Boy's Book)", "Big, Bad Bill And The Blue Screen of Death" and their all time favorite "Everybody Poops".

It made us wonder, what other geeky comedic gems are scattered around the Amazon website. Turns out, quite a few. Honestly, you can't make this stuff up. Or maybe you can. Take a look.

Hacked USB driveHacked USB Flash Drive

Manufacturer promises: "YOU WILL BE THE ENVY OF ALL COMPUTER GEEKS!"

Amazon reviewer "Kort" writes:

When I first saw this product I thought to myself, "Hey, what a neat idea!" I've used the hacked USB cord trick for some time now and I've yet to be mugged while sipping down Double Mocha Latés at Starbucks. I find it works really well when used in conjunction with wearing Crazy Black Red Streak Clubbing Wig and sitting next to Psycho Sam. I can use free wireless all day long and not even the coffee shop employees will bother me.

Steering wheel computer deskAutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray 

Manufacturer promises that it will make your car's steering wheel: "one of the most ergonomic work spaces available."

From a section labeled "Customer Questions & Answers":

Q: What's the average number of fatalties [sic] per user? Just an estimate is fine.

A: For every user, there is least one death apporximately [sic].

Amazon reviewer "George Takei" (yes, of "Star Trek" fame) writes:

My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I'm driving. "You'll hit another pedestrian," he says. "This isn't the Enterprise, there isn't a deflector array." Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It's so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you've got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!

Reviewer John Meinken writes:

I'm ddriving home now. It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffi c that keep distracti9ng me fromm my computer.

3M Nuclear Duct Tape3M Performance Plus Nuclear Duct Tape, Slate Blue

Amazon reviewer honeybearsf writes: 

When we found cracks in the containment structure, we used to have to shut the whole plant down; then there was a lot of hassle with the nuclear regulatory agency about structural integrity and environmental contamination. With this quality duct tape, that's all in the past. Now, when we see a cracked or crumbling wall, we just bring out the tape. The slate blue blends right in. I do recommend that you use use double layers for openings near the reactor core.

Denon cableDenon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

From a section labeled "Customer Questions & Answers":

Q: Has anyone else tried using this cable to join their fish poacher to their bread machine?

A: I tried to use this to learn piano and accidentally resurrected Beethoven from the grave! Luckily this cable sent the zombie further into the future to delay the apocalypse.

Amazon reviewer M McKinley writes:

A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the "directional markings" on the cables, your music will play backwards. Please check that before mentioning it in your reviews.

Reviewer George Takei writes:

The minute I plugged this cable in, I knew something was amiss. The first evidence? The small wormhole that appeared in our living room, right next to our holstein cowhide recliner. Peering into it I could discern the snarling face of a Ferengi, likely somewhere out in the Gamma quadrant.

Then things got really hairy. Brad shouted from the kitchen that he was detecting elevated tachyon levels from our Vita-Mix, so we immediately diverted power to our forward Romco Rotisserie array. Set it and forget it, indeed.

Still no go. The wormhole continued to grow. So I did what anyone in this rather awkward situation would. I recalibrated our George Foreman Grill (about 10 picometers), ejected the warp core from our Dyson Ball Vac, and unplugged all the Magic Jacks in the house. Bingo. No more worm hole.

I guess what I'm saying is that you can use this cable, but only if you have substantial Star Fleet training.

(If you don't understand that review, here's a link to the official "Star Trek" Database to help you decode it.)

Honeywell Ademco magnetHoneywell Ademco 944WH-M Magnet Only for 944WH

Amazon reviewer TechnoLady writes:

DO NOT Use This On the 944WG !

When they say "Only for 944WH" they really mean it! I bought it 13 years and a week ago (no 'Prime', Amazon- seriously!?) and tried to use it on my 944WG and accidentally created a magnetic time vortex that sucked me back into the year 2000. Unfortunately, while there, I sat on a butterfly and six months later Bush instead of Kerry is President, we're in a war with Iraq and half the country is unemployed. My bad.

So only two stars really because of time vortex but I'm giving it an additional star because of the killing I made on Apple.

Reviewer Beverly writes:

I love my 944WH-M Magnet. I enjoy messing with the smaller jet craft overhead, and pulling my neighbor who has a steel plate in his head, off course on his way to the mailbox. Great fun!

SEE ALSO: If you don't know about this weird feature in Dropbox, all your files could be deleted

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